✝Excruciating✝

By the moon marks the beginning and the end
Tears fill this façade as memories swept across
So true my heart was ever since the start of time
How far do ‘you’ know this deep misses within?

Moment as embrace released I knew I’ve to let go
Slowly ‘your’ back and shadow fades into darkness
Gradually I watch as the departure wrecking me so
Yet when I need are ‘you’ still willing to be there?

After all predestined to walk alone I’ve no choice
Lost all support to continue who will lend a hand?
Searching for all sorts to numb this pain incurred
How long will I remain in before I resigned totally?

Awakened from fantasy I once assuredly dwelled
Thus found no familiarity only strangers around
Enclosed with two statements for all prices paid
Can I trust the word of waiting from inside out?

What an utter joke of my life You have made.
Crashing the hope of my only resolve I concede
Stop it all with all my heart I plead will You?
As unsure of what can heal my heart anymore.

✝Shoulder✝

Shattered into pieces my soul has become
Just a support I yearned result to nothing
Laid down my pride in transparency I said
Hoping for tinge of caress who’d understand?

Thus deep inconsistence is the words and acts
Your given promises seemingly distant it feels
View through this heart what truly holds within
Despite many chances I could not see myself.

How much longer can I ever cling on strong?
Losing the strength to continue in midst of all
Tell me why the harder I try the further it goes
Before I’m taken captive by what’s lingering so.

You saw the pain yet abandoned me in fear
As thought I’d not stray far from the sidewalk
With waterfall of tears soaked wet my pillow
Every night in my sleep do you ever know?

✝Mess✝

Traces of insanities haunt the very soul of mine
Inside out I’m drained by the covered plastic smiles
What an utter mess I’ve made of my significance
Yet for a love I’m unworthy of still lavished upon.

Always on parade of the demands of life unending
How much more will they imbibe before I’m empty?
Frightened by the fact of no hands I could hold on
Losing my total self with that thwart senseless acts.

In total fear of a hope I dare not harbor any longer
Arraigned for an offence of emptiness finally raised.
For “I” and “It” is a mere margin different of a “t”
Beyond words spoken what truly holds the heart?

Endeavoring to stand strong in midst of such chaos
For just a little portion of dedication so difficult to
Laboring in sustaining from the shattering of frailty
Yet does all this given room for understanding at all?

✝Deadlock✝

Laid down my pride I seek utmost forgiveness
For the foolishness of my anger released upon
Awakened by the daunting truth of my wrong
By this deadlock I’m left stranded, struggling.

In due of a broken promise I turned my spirit
Exonerate me for the murder of the very heart
Lost myself totally to the immoderate passion
So envious as I witness the path of your desire.

Would it be better if everything were to reverse?
Returning to its state of original I ponder deeply
Just where pursuit of dream can be maximized
As the best of all worlds are not within grasp.

✝Tranquilizer✝

Having to relinquish the ever so precious to me
Inflicted the core of me never can I lay my hands on
Tranquilized I am to put all of them behind me
Missing so much of ‘you’ has it tingled your heart?

Ever dreaming for the realization of a desired pursuit
Yet stealing away this immense I forcefully accept
Could only swallow hard for better plan You claimed
For the thwart of my plans when would it finally fit in?

Pool of memories framed in heart of reminiscence
But so different the path taken is it still permissible?
Further I consider the more I should release ‘you’ to soar
Though pain was my heart as I held ever so tightly on.

✝Strain✝

In the silence of my heart I fail to avoid
Time and time again it just comes back
A lullaby of all misses resounds endlessly
But whenever it calls my heart just relent.

Embraced by the serenity of the night sky
Flowing from within was what has been bottled
Behind the façade of all sorts of smiles
Hides the pain of this vulnerable heart.

When will this ever stop I cried out so
Inflicting more pain and longing than it has
Left with a undying string of connection
Ever considering if severity would be the best.

Gracefully I pray for the stars to stay watch
‘Cause moments of such darkness scares me
More than I asked for: the beauty of the moon
As the clouds clears its way off from vagueness.

Memories exist for all my precious days
Deep inside me somewhere I want to keep
With all having within your own comfort
Has it already been assumed to be for you?

In oblivion ever thought all would be going fine
Yet revelation of truth gets so crystal clear:
The fact of living in a difference of two worlds
Despite trying with all strength and heart.

After a test of being in a place of two arenas
Finally I realized my belonging was totally lost
Beginning to fear the many scenes of falsity
How would everything turn out to be eventually?

✝Tears of Assurance✝

<Jeremiah 29:11-14a>
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD,

<Psalm 94:18-19>
When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.

✝Divine✝

The toil of loneliness having to carry such aimless direction, painful misses has finally been overwhelmed.
Always trying so hard to press on, to hold on, and even not to think too much and put on a front to smile and laugh has finally been overpowered.
This heart that has already lost hope and dead through the passage of disappointments has finally been revived.
The moment of decision to let go all without turning back is about to solidify has finally been softened to hold on.
Seeking You so earnestly for an answer, at least a tinge of Your assurance has finally been made through a divine message from an unfamiliar facet.
Yet who would be the one who truly be in my shoes and understand the real me through and through?

✝The Real Me✝

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

✝Oblivion✝

Like the wave being tossed and turned
Neither here nor there calling unknown
I seek I find I desire my purpose to reveal
Yet standing lost I ponder my true existence.

Over the past there’s no room left for me
Therefore as I stepped into the future uncertain
With faith I boldly stood across the line
Yet still I found no place being the odd once more.

Memoirs of reminiscence I yearned so much for
Have I lost the true meaning of my life
Or am I just remaining for the sake of it all?
In You I’m still trying hard press on forth.

Help me Lord as I stand firm in You in love
That I may not lose out in the race in the midst
Holding me back is all I could possibly cling on
Will this truly last me through and through?

Sturdy as it’s shown on the exterior I portray
A lonely and lost soul cries out from deep within
Wishing things could be better I don’t know how
So will I forfeit heavily at the end of the day?

✝Ever Sheltering Wing✝

“He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers.”
(Psalm 91:4)

From how many winds is God protecting you? His wing, at this moment, shields you. A slanderous critic heading toward your desk is interrupted by a phone call. A burglar en route to your house has a flat tire. A drunk driver runs out of gas before your car passes his. God, your guardian, protects you from

“every trap” (Ps. 91:3);
“the fatal plague” (Ps. 91:3);
“the plague that stalks in darkness” (Ps. 91:6);
“the terrors of the night…the dangers of the day” (Ps. 91:5).
One translation boldly promises: “Nothing bad will happen to you” (Ps. 91:10 NCV).

“Then why does it?” someone erupts. “Explain my job transfer. Or the bum who called himself my dad. Or the death of our child.” If God is our guardian, why do bad things happen to us?

Have they? Have bad things really happened to you? You and God may have different definitions for the word bad.

God views your life the way you view a movie after you’ve read the book. When something bad happens, you feel the air sucked out of the theater. Everyone else gasps at the crisis on the screen. Not you. Why? You’ve read the book. You know how the good guy gets out of the tight spot. God views your life with the same confidence. He’s not only read your story…he wrote it. His perspective is different, and his purpose is clear.

God uses struggles to toughen our spiritual skin.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2–4)

Trust him. “But when I am afraid, I put my trust in you” (Ps. 56:3). Join with Isaiah, who resolved, “I will trust in him and not be afraid” (Isa. 12:2).

God is directing your steps and delighting in every detail of your life (Ps. 37:23–24). In fact, that’s his car pulling over to the side of the road. That’s God opening the door. And that’s you climbing into the passenger seat.

There now, don’t you feel safer knowing he is in control?

By: Max Lucado

✝Unsaid✝

Fears lingers in the mind like never before
Where even uncertainties resounds unendingly
So much that it has tire me with all ‘your’ probing
Laden me no more I plead tearfully, will ‘you’?

Just a mere word from ‘you’ ever since then
Wrecking all passions and dreams once held
Making all concerns and thoughts so insignificant
As 'you' magnify ‘your’ points and unsaid rid-off.

Ever once I tried standing strong fighting all I can
Yet through the passage of time I begin to resign.
Nothing else holds any further meaning despite all
Perhaps I should just let go of all I once cherished…

✝Dejected✝

This merciless speed of every tick on the clock
Suppressing me was the breathless chase on me.
What’s left of me I wish so much on expectation
Turning out was yet the way it should have been.

Could it be due to this close race of time that
Finally brings upon the unspoken pressure in me?
Resounding within me was the unseen persistence
Yet so afraid I am on foreseeable disappointment.

As much as I’ve always been the strong one
Yet as human as I am stumble and fall I’d still be.
Seeking for what could possibly hold me back
Before what seems uncalled for might just strike.

In this ever refuge I’ve been keeping and seeking
Has the hour arrive to lay all my considerations?
The depth of how much my value is I wonder.
Such passive concern should I just let it all go?

Pouring over me words of honor and commitment
Yet such seems too real to be true to cling onto.
So tiresome so weary of reasoning these interlinks
Is there any way where it would just work out right?

Cruel reality overwhelming facts painful truths
Leaving me with no way but to just resign to it.
Turn my every tear into diamonds in Your Hands
Help me comprehend what’s beyond in a shelter.

✝Shelter✝

What’s wrong, what’s getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You’re walking around
With your head to the ground
And your eyes are watery red.

I know you’ve been through tough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
But you’ve always been the strong one
So don’t tell me that nobody gets you
Cause I’m standing in your corner
Knocking at your door
You don’t have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
Cause it hurts me to see you this way
I want to ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

We share a bond
You and I we belong
We’re like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I’d be your lifeline
Made a vow that I’d surround you with love at every milestone
I’ll listen when nobody gets you
I’m still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don’t have to be alone.

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
Cause it hurts me to see you this way
I want to ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promised me you’ll

Call my name
Let me be an answer
Cause it hurts me to see you this way
I want to ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend.

✝Spoken✝

In this very faithful silent night you sang
Where no one spoke after a tangible voice I shared.
Filling within me was weariness beyond measure
As I know whatever I say no longer means anything.

So choosing to bury it deep not trying to think
Void once again I know it will for all reasons.
Yet when your song came from Heaven to me
So sharp it was that tears uncontrollably fall.

Lyrics of “Shelter” you spoke much it hits
Crystallizing my feeling through and through
When all that’s within was once again surfaced
Acknowledging this is what I truly need.

† Hideous †

Led me to my mind these messages of sincerity
So much belief I gave upon the trueness said
But when the truth reveals the cries resounds
Your words your promises I trusted so fully.

Hiding them in the dark corner of my heart
So afraid I am of the reopening of scar.
As deep as I gave my words of assurance
No longer I knew how to differentiate anymore.

Yet as hard as I can I’m pressing on
Still believing in you to turn a new leaf
As grace pours so overflowing with no condition
Will this belief still stand over time without change?

So many guarantees given ever since then
Yet does all still remain valid if you could recall them?
Does all truly solidifies upon a firm foundation
Or just a momentary spur of conclusion to appease?

✝Remembrance✝

Sudden hit of thoughts throw me in shock
Dawning me was what I’ve been fearing most.
If all this while I’ve been living in pack of lies?
Yet comprehending that was said I never know.

As frightened I’ll be worn off one day
But clinging onto a word I gave I refused to
So filled are the pool of thoughts unexpressed
No longer I know how else I could head.

Looking up this heart of mine as 15^th draw close
So different it has become ever since it’s so
Covering and blinding with works of many sorts
Not to recall I try so hard as little things bypass.

On the path of recollection walking home alone
Is there any way I could let quietness be obedient?
The overflowing tears in the dark cloudy night
How can I ever stop them from falling once more?

† Prayer of Need †

I need just that little power to stand upon my life plan…
I need just that little faith to believe what has been promised…
I need just that little strength to pull me through what needs to…
I need just that little assurance to accept what’s coming my way…
I need just that little love to know nothing will ever change…

I need just that little wisdom to say all that I need to…
I need just that little courage to bring it across to you…
I need just that little time to cherish all that I possessed…
I need just that little sureness to know it’s from you…
I need just that little push to move forward bit by bit…

I just need………

† Uncertain †

Thoughts and feelings of all sorts poured
Finally life sets in as how it was intended.
To no avail I gave up speaking what I desire
As unsettled as I am will you even listen?

Streaming along this path of many “not’s”
Trying to justify my way I saw impossibilities.
So deep in state of mind I’m consumed in
As though surroundings has faded away itself.

Unsure if this would last till the very end
Or would just altogether change as it reveal.
Wishing every state would just remain as it is
Praying for the better nothing else I could do.

Words filled so much of me I want to voice
But I know I can’t say until the day comes.
Not knowing how much you could accept it
Promises of hope I hold diminishes in sight.

† Recall †

Never perceiving all would be so
Remain as how we were contented I was.
Yet upon confession everything differs
As fear and bliss grew in contradiction.

In steps I walk I’m learning to trust
Know not what future holds I pray against.
To live to serve with you I felt so blessed
Yet slowly it unfolds will waiting resolve it?

Recognized the permissibility of all of it
Are we really the one I begin to ask?
Acknowledge efforts you’ve been trying
But couldn’t help but tracks of tears formed.

Holding on to you the best I’m giving
Though I knew it could be to no avail.
An attitude a prayer a good will of another
Defines love in fashion of simplicity.